Edward R. Tindell
Clean Jokes

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Know any good ''clean'' jokes?
There is an unwritten rule that everyone should know at least three clean jokes. I have a great sense of humor and love a really good clean joke. Here are some rhetorical jokes (no answers required):

Q: Why do kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
Q: Why do they sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Q: Why do they call it a tv set when you only get one?
Q: Why do they call it a hot water heater?

Here is a funny story called The Engineer And The Shepherd:

   An engineer was walking down a country lane one day when suddenly he spotted a large white dot on the landscape up ahead. Intrigued he decided to find out what it was. When he got close enough he realized that it was the largest flock of sheep he had ever seen. He walked over to a man standing nearby and started a conversation with him.
   "Say", said the engineer, "what do you do?"
   "I'm a shepherd", replied the man.
   "What do shepherds do?", asked the engineer.
   "I spend most of my time finding good water and pasture for my flock", replied the shepherd. "When I am not doing that I watch for predators and sheep going astray."
   "What do you do?", asked the shepherd.
   "I'm an engineer", replied the engineer.
   "What do engineers do?", asked the shepherd.
   "I calculate numbers all day", replied the engineer.
   "I have to tell you", continued the engineer, "this is the biggest flock of sheep I have ever seen. It' huge! How do you count them all?"
   "I have to count them one by one", replied the shepherd, "as they are forced through a chute. Takes a long time to count them all."
   "I'll bet it does", replied the engineer thinking how inefficient the shepherd's sheep counting method must be.
   "In fact", he continued, "I'll bet you I can figure out how many sheep you have without counting them."
   "You're on!", said the shepherd with a smile. The engineer walked out among the flock of sheep, looked around for awhile then pulled out a pocket notebook and started writing in it. Soon he returned with a big smile on his face.
   "You have exactly 8,735 sheep", said the engineer with pride.
   "You're exactly right!!", proclaimed the shepherd with a look of astonishment. "How did you figure that out?", he asked.
   "Well you have the flock herded into a big circle so I paced off it's diameter and calculated it's area. Then I estimated the square feet occupied per sheep and divided one by the other to get the total number of sheep."
   "Well that is just amazing!", proclaimed the shepherd. "You have won the bet. As a prize go and pick yourself out a sheep."
   The engineer walked back out among the flock and found himself a nice sheep. He put it over his shoulders and started walking back towards the shepherd. He finally got close enough for the shepherd to see which sheep he had picked out. The shepherd leaned on his staff and let out a long sigh of disgust while shaking his head. When the engineer got close enough to talk to, the shepherd pointed at him and cried out, "I just know you went to A&M, didn't you!?!"
   The engineer stopped dead in his tracks holding his sheep on his shoulders and replied incredulously, "There are a lot of colleges with engineering degree programs. How did you know I got mine at A&M?"
   "Put down my dog and we'll talk about it", said the shepherd.

Consider me an Equal Opportunity Offender (EOO) with a heart. Anything and anyone is game as long as you keep it clean. Here are a few more examples about Aggies (Texas A&M graduates):

Q: What do you call an Aggie two years after graduation?
A: Boss.

Q: What is an Aggie football?
A: A brick.

Q: Did you hear about the Aggies who drowned in the back of a open bed pickup truck?
A: It went off a bridge, fell into a river and they couldn't get the tailgate down quickly enough to get out in time.

I also love "acronym" jokes:

Q: What does DOS stand for?
A: Dumb Operating System.

Q: What does OS/2 stand for?
A: Half an operating system.

Q: What does NT stand for?
A: The Next Time operating system.

I think there is humor in just about everything. Take the C++ programming language. Now picture John Belushi as the teacher of a C++ class on SNL:

"All C++ programs start with the function main", he says, then writes on the blackboard:

   void Maine()

"Hey, why not void Oklahoma()?", asks a student . . .you can take it from here, can't you?

And here is my favorite joke of all time - no one has ever gotten it:

Make a "peace" sign with two fingers and ask a group of people what it means. It does NOT mean any of the following:
  • Peace
  • Victory
  • Live long and prosper
  • Scouts honor
  • The number two (2)
When they finally give up in total frustration tell them what it REALLY means:

It's a Roman ordering five (5) beers! ("V" = Roman numeral five.)